Outside Perspective
by Diary
Summary: "I'm not. It hurt, it temporarily made me stupid and self-destructive, but there's all this coming-of-age crap about boys becoming men, and I suppose that period in my life was when I underwent my transformation." Complete. Edited slightly.


Disclaimer: I do not own As the World Turns.

* * *

"Have you ever been in love?"

"I am in love," Reid answers, briefly skimming his fingers over the sensitive hairs on the back of Luke's neck where he recently got a haircut.

Shivering, Luke says, "You know what I mean. Before me, were you ever in love?"

"I told you I've never felt this way before," Reid answers, beginning to make a sandwich.

"And you're avoiding," Luke says, sighing. "If you don't want to talk about it, I get it."

"I don't avoid," Reid retorts. "I've had relationships before, which I've never made a secret of. No, before you, I've never been in love. That wasn't me avoiding, that was me assuming that my answers would-"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Luke says, holding up his hands in surrender. "Alright, were you ever with someone, and you thought you might end up falling in love with them? Aside from me," he adds.

"I don't know," Reid answers, uncomfortably. He chews his sandwich for a moment. "In college, I thought I was in love. Listen," he sighs, "I can't tell you his name. I promised him a long time ago I'd never tell anyone about us. I think not giving his name is fair enough."

"Okay," Luke agrees, not liking the implications behind that.

"Well, No-Name Howser was an asshole," Reid says, not noticing Luke's pause. "I loved to torment him, and he gave as good he got. But- that turned into something else. He wasn't out, he had a million issues, all of which he refused to appropriately deal with, essentially, he was the classic 'remember your self-respect and don't give involved with this guy'."

When Reid doesn't continue, Luke asks, gently, "What happened?"

"I got involved," Reid answers, wryly. "And for a while, it was good. He made me feel- he made me feel good about myself. Not about being brilliant, I didn't need any assurances on that front."

"No, of course not," Luke replies, rolling his eyes.

"But as a person. I've been told numerous times that I'm not actually that interesting a person outside medicine."

"Yes, you are," Luke protests.

"Oh, I know, but in your case, I just have you dazzled with my sanity and lack of insane relatives," Reid answers. "It attracts you, not having someone with a family tree so complicated that-"

"Back to No-Name," Luke orders.

"Back to No-Name," Reid agrees, softly. "I don't know why or how to explain it, but being with him made me feel things I never thought I'd feel. I liked it, and I thought I was in love with him. Then, it went to hell. He was worried about daddy and mommy finding out he played for both teams, he had the aforementioned other issues, and eventually, he accused me of cheating. Not on him. He accused me of using him to get ahead, of cheating off him. The simple fact is, I was the better student, the better almost doctor, than he was."

Reaching over, Luke takes his hand, wishing he could do something about the look in Reid's eyes.

"Anyway," Reid says, looking down. "It ended pretty quickly after that. I wish it'd ended the minute he said that, but it didn't. For a long time, I thought I was in love with him, but then, I fell in love with you, and now, I know the difference."

"I'm sorry."

Shrugging, Reid says, through his bite of sandwich, "I'm not. It hurt, it temporarily made me stupid and self-destructive, but there's all this coming-of-age crap about boys becoming men, and I suppose that period in my life was when I underwent my transformation."

"Stupid and self-destructive," Luke repeats as Reid starts to clean up.

"I told you there was a time I went out and had indiscriminate sex with anonymous strangers," Reid answers. "It was a response to that."

"Did you ever see the guy again?"

"Yeah," Reid answers, closing the fridge. "Still as screwed up as ever."

Luke isn't sure what to say.

"Hey," Reid says, fingers going back to the sensitive hairs as he kisses Luke's head. "I haven't thought about him and I together in a long time. Aside from that brief period of reckless endangerment, he- he's just a boy I once knew. You're the man I'm in love with, Luke Snyder."

Craning backwards and reaching up, Luke kisses him. "As selfish as this is, I'm glad he didn't see how lucky he was to have you."

"It's not selfish, it's human nature," Reid corrects, nipping at his ear and causing another shiver of pleasure. "I hate some of the things Noah put you through, but I'm glad you decided to give me a chance instead of going back to him. If he'd seen how lucky he was, I never would have had a chance."

"Think it was fate," Luke murmurs, turning around to properly kiss him.

"Hmm," Reid answers, returning the kiss. Breaking it, he cups Luke's cheek. "I don't believe in fate, and there's the whole agnostic thing. But I do think there's a sort of design to the universe. Eventually, people get what they deserve, even if it doesn't seem like it from an outside perspective."

Smiling, Luke stands up and leads him to the bedroom.

…

"Hey, Luke," Chris says the next day. "Let me guess: You're here to see the terror that's your boyfriend?"

"Yeah, what'd he do," Luke asks, looking at Chris carefully.

"Nothing, yet," Chris answers, making a note in a chart. "He's in the lounge; if you see a pregnant nurse walking towards there, please, warn her to turn around and go the other direction, quickly."

"Sure thing," Luke says. "Uh, hey, Chris. I was just wondering: how long has Reid called you 'Doogie'? How did that even start?"

"Since medical school," Chris tells him, briefly looking up from the chart. "He said I sort of looked like Doogie Howser."

"Yeah, that's kind of funny," Luke says, remembering Reid's childhood idolisation of that show. "Thanks, Chris. I'm going to go see Reid."

"Good luck," Chris replies, absently.

"No need," Luke answers. "I'm already lucky to have him."

He feels Chris's puzzled eyes on him as he goes towards the lounge.


End file.
